had a genuine revelation in therapy that made me burst out laughing, been a while since I had one of those
therapist was talking about urge surfing (the idea that urges are waves that come and go if you ride them out, so the more you delay acting on the urge, the more likely you are not to do it) and then I was talking about how the transient nature of my emotions is actually what gets me so mad, like it's actually very very annoying to be so so sad but to also be thinking "I know I'm very sad right now but unfortunately I am going to feel better later so I can't destroy my life for one minute's gratification," and it's just so annoying because if I knew or at least believed that I was gonna be sad FOREVER it would make things much easier, but instead I'm so mad at the knowledge that this too will pass. like it's a manifestation of weak will to not feel bad forever.
and my therapist was like, "so even at the worst times, you still have hope"
and I was like "holy shit dude" because never once in my life have I considered that the little bastard voice that tells me not to smash all the dishes because they'll be a pain in the ass to clean up in ten minutes is the last gift/curse of Pandora's box
hope is a thing with wings, i.e. a bird and like most birds is 1) very beautiful, 2) very annoying, and 3) sometimes shits on you
